I am dust

Late Friday afternoon I flew into a rage and threw a temper tantrum and pretty much exhausted myself. No, it didn't feel good, but I was raging. Having resolved to go to Stations of the Cross that evening, I did so. I was still upset getting there. In fact I was still a little upset and fatigued Saturday. Anyhow, at Stations, I realized that I have no reason to complain. What makes me think I'm so important that I can't be insulted? What makes me think my cross is so unbearable? I made my apologies later that night and resolved once again to try to turn over a new leaf.

It turns out that my "deep hurt" happens to be others' disappointment in me. Even worse when I think their reason for the disappointment is unreasonable. In reality, their disappointment is their friggin' problem and I needn't make it mine. My responsibility stops at doing what's right the best I can. Gratitude is icing on the cake. Credit is icing on the cake. May I hope only in my Heavenly Father, and may I seek only to do what is right in His eyes. May I not forget that what I truly deserve is hell. (Of course, I still have the responsibility to uphold the dignity of my humanity.)

Saturday I went to a Dominican Lenten Day of Prayer, though I didn't stay the entire program (there is so much to do at home). I saw one of my favorite Dominicans and she was gracious to me, always moving towards me when I waved either "hello" or "good-bye," sat at the same table at lunch, and made every effort to introduce me to folks. The topic was cosmology as it relates to baptism. Having a science degree in my background, I failed to perceive the world in the touchy-feely sense of cosmology, and I don't think I quite made the connection between it and baptism. I'm not ready to go have a conversation with the flowers, and surely not ready to ask permission to speak to them. I kinda take seriously the fact that God gave man dominion over creation. But hey, it was wonderful visiting with the Dominicans and I certainly enjoyed the quiet time and food, and it's a different perspective on dust. It turns out that dust is made up of just about everything in existence: you, me, asteroids, volcanoes, butterfly wings, Japan ... you name it. I was still a little drained from my tantrum on Friday, so I wasn't able to give the Dominicans as much energy as I normally would. Perhaps next time.

room overhaul

"it is better to need little than to have much" --from the rule of St. Augustine

Work is in progress in Tonto's room. I have moved two major pieces of furniture. And since Tonto is here working on it, Tonto can toss out. So far two boxes of old magazines have been tossed (for recycling) and one garbage bag full of stuff. Yesterday three pieces of furniture was given away to a relative who then hauled them away. Three minor pieces of furniture is being removed from Tonto's room, and one *small* desk will be moved in. Else it's impossible to make a room look better when there is way too much stuff in it.
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Yesterday's volunteering was uneventful: diced up some cheese. That probably took 20 minutes of the two hours I was there. Sister was feeling talkative and talked to me about some personal stuff, like her annual vow is coming up, how she has doubts about taking the leap for life just yet, and her hopes for a 30-day retreat prior to making the vows, some difficulties in the convent, some hope with the new leadership, and that one of the postulants had left to take care of a relative.

I stuck around to eat because they insisted and because it was such good food. I then went to spiritual direction. Somehow I'm always surprised that I don't get knocked around during spiritual direction, like really get admonished. Instead I get some pointers like pray for this, and look/listen for that. I have no idea what a good spiritual direction session looks like so I've nothing to guage how things are going. I've not (yet?) gone psycho or have any crises and these are kinda like "catching up with each other" sessions, though my director is very careful to not talk about herself, choosing instead to try to keep the focus on me.

Ps 8:5

What is man that thou art mindful of him? (Douay-Rheims)

For King James version, it'd be Ps 8:4

The NAB butchers it a bit by using gender-neutral language and hence is not my chosen version for this lovely sentiment.

high school meme

seen at LAMLand

1. Who was your best friend(s)? Didn't have one, really ... hung with my brother's friends.
2. What sports did you play? none
3. What kind of car did you drive? Didn't drive then.
4. It’s Friday night, where are you at? Home, of course, per the parental units.
5. Were you a party animal? May have been an animal, but "party" would not be the descriptor.
6. Were you in the “In Crowd”? Wasn't in any crowd.
7. Ever skip school? Only if my brother's friends did (one of them had a car).
8. Ever smoke a cigarette? No.
9. Were you a nerd? I don't think so, but others' opinions would probably be more accurate.
10. Did you ever get suspended/expelled? No.
11. Can you sing the Alma Mater? Not aware that we had one.
12. Who was your favorite teacher? My French/English teacher. Several of the kids (usually boys) would be hostile to him because they sense that he is gay. Well, it turns out that they're right. I still call him sometimes. He's been on my mind but I haven't called him in a while. He's been very sick over the recent years ... diabetes.
13. Favorite class? Art maybe, because we basically goof off in there.
14. What was your school’s name? sorry, not telling; suffice it to say that it was an alternative school
15. School mascot? I don't think we had one.
16. Did you go to Prom? No.
17. Would you go back again and do it over? bleep NO.
18. What do you remember most about graduation? uh, that high school was over?
19. Favorite memory of senior year? no memories at all ... the years just run together
20. Were you ever posted on the senior wall? the what? never been posted anywhere, thank goodness
21. Did you have a job your senior year? No. The parental units don't believe in menial work.
22. Who did you date? Nobody. Even in high school I believed that dating is for finding a spouse and I had no intentions of getting married in high school. Besides, no way in hell was I going to get that past the parents.
23. Have you gained weight since then? No. I was chunky then, but not now. I still have fat calves though.
24. What did you do after graduation? Went to college.

It was a poor school. Most of the students were poor. For sure the teachers were poor. They still had a prom and graduation ceremonies and a big pic-nic type event. There were no team sports and barely had a music department.

God is good

Wonderful weekend. Not a discernment weekend, but the Sisters generously housed and fed us. I got a chance to run around the convent some, shared several meals, did a little office work with them, and "fixed" a TV remote control for them. They were extremely accomodating and helped us "above and beyond" in so many ways. Always a joy to be around these Sisters.

We were totally exhausted when we got back after 10 last night. Even today, we were practically sleep walking. I had to take a nap in the late afternoon.

The question for me: What is my spirituality? How do I experience God?

At the time, I didn't have a clue. But as I think about it, a few ideas are bubbling. From the start (that is, even while I was in RCIA), I'd always view that everything good comes from God. I see something good, I thank God. It made perfect sense to me that when Peter and John healed the beggar at "the Beautiful Gate," the beggar then praised God (Acts 3) and not Peter and John. I'd been enthralled that God is "rich in kindness and slow to anger." I'm overwhelmed by the goodness of God; even when things look bleak, I know that God's goodness will overcome. When I don't feel so great about my day, I try to take notice of all the "good" that I've received during my day. So my spirituality is that God is GOOD, ALL GOOD. It's not a spirituality of the eucharist or of penance or of prayer or such. Not that those things are missing, but that they're not in my awareness as much.

week so far

Wishing everyone a prayerful and penitent Lenten Season!
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Monday I spent the whole day and over $600 on new brake pads and rear brake cylinders. (So, the brake warning light that's been on and off for about a month was legit.) They also pointed out that I need about another $1K worth of work on the car. Yeah, okay, when I win the lottery maybe.
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Tuesday volunteering was in the kitchen. I made Spanish rice and squash casserole. Actually, Sister basically had me watch the rice, she was the one that dumped the ingredients in. Then she handed me a book of recipes, picked out a simple squash casserole, handed me cooked squash, and then left me with the task as if I knew how to cook. I hope it turned out OK. As usual, I didn't stick around to eat.
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Heading out of town tomorrow. Will return Sunday.

blog blurps

product endorsements
I just tried Vitamin Water by Glaceau and liked it just fine. I also tried Fresca sparkling citrus soda, peach flavor and liked it okay too. However, I usually avoid carbonated drinks.

On the pet front,
my cats like the simple and colorful plastic rings, usually sold in a blister pack of four. I wish I have a picture to post, but I do not. My cats have a set of curls, and set of wavy rings, and a set that's tube-like. They chase those things all over the house and get them lost under stuff.

Also, I heartily endorse the Clevercat kitty litter box. It's basically a deep rectangular bucket with a lid; the lid has a cat-sized hole. The cat enters the bucket from the top. Because It's basically a bucket, there are no holes and seams to leak liquids. You'll need a compact scooper to work inside the bucket, though. Also, most owners don't like to see inside the box so the hole on top can be unappealing. As for me, I love not having to clean kitty piddle from between top and bottom kitty box halves and from the kitty box mat.

For a simple cat bed, we got a seat cushion on sale at Wal-mart (less than $10 for sure).

variations on a theme
I'd like to see someone publish a coffee-table book of photos of fire hydrants. They're painted differently in different neighborhoods. If not a book, then maybe a website that collects these photos. Everybody take a picture of fire hydrants in their environment then submit the pictures to the website, which then catalogs and displays them. It might exist already, I don't know.

Similarly, I'd like somebody to publish a photo book of pets. Everybody send their pet pictures to the publisher, who then sorts and selects for publication. Real live pets, people, and places in ordinary everyday lives.

Phaidon Press usually has books like those. I think they have one of crucifixes; crucifixes were actually one in a set of three such themed books. I wonder whether they have one of American Cathedrals.
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Actually, I forgot what it was that I meant to post. Oh well.

Planning to be out of town Thursday through Sunday. Will be missing the Rite of Sending and possibly the Rite of Election (of course, it's not me that's being sent and elected).

Gotta figure out what it is I'm giving up/committing to for lent. I'll probably give up all sweets except juices as usual. Hmm...what shall I commit to?

torn and confused

I vacillate on the issue of whether I should join the Dominicans. There are days when I would probably have grovelled at their feet, begging that I be given the grace of being considered for entrance. It is very impressive that they have a huge heritage of Saints, including St. Dominic, St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Catherine of Sienna. St. Augustine is a favorite Saint of mine, so I was delighted to find that the Dominicans follow the Rule of St. Augustine. Also, the Dominicans are a studious bunch and they have a solid program of study (after all, you gotta know what you're preaching and teaching). This is not to say that other orders don't have a solid program of study; I really can't imagine an order that doesn't.

Then there are days where fear strikes my heart: What if they're not Catholic enough? (I know, that sounds really absurd.) What if they teach me more "new age" or "earth worship" or something "touchy-feely" than true faith? What if they're soft on morality?

I feel like Saul, zealously guarding what I believe to be true faith. Then if I do join the Dominicans, no logic can explain it. Not that I feel like I owe anybody any explanations. It's just that we act on emotions then justify our actions with logic. If I can't explain it to myself, then it's just crazy. My only reason would be that they've captured heart. It's been said, "Don't marry the one you can live with, marry the one you can't live without." So it's more like that.

I've tried to shut up about it. And yet here I am talking to you guys because it's exploding my head. I'll just keep trying anyways. In fact, I might try to not even think about them. I'll talk about it only if someone else brings it up. Yeah, I think I'll attempt a fast from "Dominicans." Maybe the feelings will go away and then I can actually think.

ouch

I had a face plant this morning. Coming from mass, I was riding my bike too fast when I turned off of the church's parking lot. Fortunately, I had my helmet on (as all good cyclists are supposed to do). Next thing I knew, I was on the concrete pavement. First thing you want to do after a fall is to get up and get off the street. But my head wasn't right so I sat there for a while. I managed to upright my bike (so that it'll be out of the street) and sat there holding it up.

You'd think I know better since I've had similar incidents off of "driveways." That transition from slope to level ground just isn't a good place to lean sideways on the bike.

I have big scrapes on my right cheek and chin, my forearm by the elbow, and just a little scrape on my right knee. So I'm walking around with band-aids on my face. My lower lip is a little swollen from being banged against my teeth. I've not yet inspected the bike. And I still need to go wash the blood off of my gloves. What is most painful is that I scratched and bent my "ridiculously expensive" glasses, which are not even 2 yrs old yet. However, the glasses are still usable; I bent the glasses back and the scratches are in the corner. Except for the glasses, I find it all quite amusing.

Also, I got my hair cut alright. Man, is it ever cut. I don't think I'll be needing another one for two months. heh heh, I'm a sight to see.

address

I happened to be out and about this afternoon, so I swung by Walgreen's to pick up a thank-you card for sending to the Dominicans. However, I had forgotten to take the address with me. After failing to locate a business pages directory at Walgreen's, Office Depot, and the post office, I finally called the Dominicans. A Sister answered and after I repeated my name a second time, she said, "Oh, yes, I sat at your table yesterday." hmm ..."my" table ... how kind. Unfortunately, I have no idea which Sister I'm talking to over the phone. She was very nice and inviting and when I told her that I was trying to mail something to Sr. x (since she is my Dominican contact), she offered to give me the residence address. Well, where Sr. x works and where she lives is basically the same "place." So when she gave me the address, I just thought that she gave me the "Dominican Sisters" address since there were no unit number, or apartment number or such.

Well, just now, I'm sitting here looking up Dominican Saints and one of the pages happens to be for this particular community. I saw the address and something triggered that it wasn't the address that I was given this afternoon. Sure enough, the address I took down this afternoon is not the published Dominican address. I now have Sr. x's home address! I'm just as surprised as Sr. x when she gets my card!
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On another matter, I did rearrange Dumbo's room. Dumbo was gone for a little over 3 hours. Dumbo is not pleased. We did talk about it prior to my actually carrying it out, but the results suck. My back is not pleased either, and I'm sure it will complain bitterly come morning. Anyhow, so there will be more moving stuff around in the coming weeks. Getting my hair cut in the morning. Very much looking forward to that.

surprise

fastest easy Websudoku time: 4 min 9 sec (must have been real easy)

Dumbo is out of the house for the moment. I'm supposed to be taking my shower, but Dumbo's room needs rearranging. I will try to surprise Dumbo and have it rearraged. This is a MAJOR undertaking becuase there is lots of clutter in that room. It shall just be little 'ol me moving stuff around. I better get going.

homework

priest: Instead of grocery shopping, I'd suggest you pray and see what God wants you to do.
me: I have, but I guess I'm not very good at listening.
priest: God also speaks to you through your gifts. See what it is that you're most passionate about. Then see what order will best allow you to do that which you are most passionate about doing.

Um, that's the same advice Susan Rose gave me from the start.

That means I need to go back to the drawing board and get some homework done, because I don't know what it is that I'm good at or passionate about. I'm pretty laid back so most of the time, everything is ho-hum.

I guess fundamentally, I want everybody to know that they each matter, regardless of their shortcomings. On the flip side, I want everybody to know that everybody else matters. I believe it is love that transforms and it is grace that saves. May whatever I do be for the glory of God and may I be a channel for Jesus' love. That is, may people not see me, but see instead the love of Jesus. Then may the love of God be enkindled in them, and move them to do what God intends.

yak yak

The dialogue with the Dominicans continues. Thanks be to God that the Dominicans who dialogued with me today are my two favorites. There are many things about the Dominicans that strike my fancy ... so much so that I cannot at this time look at another congregation. You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped. (Jer 20, 7) Likewise, they seem to have captured me and I let myself be captured (though not entirely).

discernment weekend

The Sisters of Divine Providence (CDP's) in San Antonio, Texas are having a discernment weekend March 24 - 26, 2006. Uh, no, they don't wear the habit. They are very cool, very fun, very diverse. I had a most wonderful time in their company and hospitality last year. If you have any interest, please do not hesitate to contact them.

yester eve

Wonderful time with the Dominicans yesterday evening. I didn't say much. And in fact, perhaps 4 or 5 of the Sisters didn't say much either. The major talkers did the talking. I enjoyed their company food, and environment. I think I suffer from withdrawal symptoms the day after, definitely unexpected and beyond my control.

I'm supposed to see them again this coming Tuesday. It should just be me and them, then I can discuss my concerns.

Bambi's doc visit was good. Elective procedure scheduled roughly a month from now. We'll need to do some prep work before then.

'mornin

Slept late. Revamped resume to reflect new career direction. Posted new resume on three big job boards.

Bambi's new specialist doc wants to see Bambi pronto: 1pm TODAY.

Tuesday's doc visit resulted in modified diet: don't eat unless it's lean meat, vegetables, or fresh fruit; drink only water or sugarless drinks. Yum yum, I get to eat up all the good stuff that we have that Bambi can't eat. Meals are going to be tricky, though.

Gotta run.

just rambling

hmm...got a call today about a 6-month contract job in Grand Rapids, MI; same field and industry I was working. Imagine that. I had never heard of Grand Rapids until I met Natty through her blog. And now the only job call I have is for work there.

Got obligations here. Kinda far from home there (what? I'd have to pay both the mortgage here and the housing rental there?). And I'm trying to change careers. Leaning towards a no response to that call.

Doc visit yesterday so went volunteering today instead of yesterday. More folding paper flowers (I think this is the last of it). The Sisters talked to me some more about vocations. Hey, I'm all for it, I wanna get into it, but I can't.

Dinner with the Dominicans tomorrow. Gumby is invited too. Now that's rare. I'm getting the idea that the Dominicans are a pretty open bunch.

cute mnemonic

One of the topics covered for the A+ certification, which I am now pursuing, is the laser printer process: Clean, Charge, Write, Develop, Transfer, Fuse. A cute mnemonic for it is "Care & Compassion Will Develop True Friendship." Awwwww. (Another option is "California Cows Won't Dance the Fandango" as well as some rather crude ones.)

Kinda embarassing that I have to study for this most basic of certifications. Kinda painful that I'm doing on-line studying with dial-up. Back to the grindstone.

v-day

Oh, yeah ... Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.

The following was seen at Flavor of the Month.

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Yup. That's my mood right about now.

jus'stuff

Friday it was ... Smurf: "Why didn't you wake me up?" me: "I thought you changed your mind about going." See, I know it's hard for you to sleep, so I let you sleep when you can.

Saturday morn we went to a Baptist thingamajig in support of Smurf's relative. They had four preachers, one topic each. One word to these Baptist preachers: "commitment." Please keep to your time commitment. Considering that I hadn't had breakfast and that I'm not that interested, I wasn't happy that by noon there are still two more talks to go before you feed us. Even more unhappy when the third preacher decides to take a whole hour, wanders all over the place, throws in scripture here and there and a few big words and still claims to be on topic by returning to it every now and then. Hey preacher, don't strain too hard ... go to the Catholic Catechism and they'll have the scriptures cross-referenced already for you. We left a few minutes into the last preacher's sermon, got our food (kudos to them for having them in to-go boxes already) and left some time after 2pm, ravenously starving.

Sat eve I woke Smurf up too late for Smurf to get ready and go to mass. I thought it was enough time. My fault, really, as I had forgotten what time Smurf had requested to be awaken. After mass is a party for the associate pastor. "Do you still want to go to the party? When do you want me to wake you up?" I get a glare and then "I want you to leave me alone and I go back to sleep." I say "So you don't want me to wake you up? I won't wake you then, okay?"

I decided to go to the party. Then when I left the party I called Smurf. I hear the anger. I get home and eventually it's the "I asked you if you were going to the party, why didn't you wake me up" issue. Folks, I have an extremely simple mind. If you don't say what you mean and if you don't mean what you say, then I am absolutely clueless as to what you intend.

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stewing

beef, potatoes, carrots, tomatoes stewing in the slow cooker ... yes, I forgot the celery, but I ain't going back out to get it ... I shall not mention it and see if Smurf even notices its absence

out

Just ... out of it.

Yup, my head is immersed in I-know-not-what. I just know that I seem to have extracted myself from life itself. Not really watching the Olympics opening. Haven't watched the news since who-knows-when.

Alot of stuff swimming around in my head. Jobs. Companies. Pay. Little pay. Stuff I need to learn. Stuff I need to do. Need to liquidate one of the 401K's. Need groceries. Oh, yeah, need to locate a ride home from church on Sunday. Let me go fire off that e-mail now.

out n about

Gumby had a meeting this morn. Then we had lunch. Then we both went to the open-your-own-business meeting. Then I met about tech training. Then rush hour traffic. Got back in our hood then we had a flat. Fortunately Gumby was driving and took us safely off the highway onto a parking lot. I changed out the tire. We just bought that tire back when I had the wheel lock problems. I can see nothing wrong with the tire (aside from it being flat). Will get back to the tire place soon. Late home for the Grammys by a few minutes.

Hopefully I'll meet with the unemployment agency tomorrow about financial assistance for tech training. I hope they'll have info as which is the best place as well, since I've only met with one. The presentation this training place gave me still leaves me fuddled. Wow it sure costs MUCH moolah and much time.

As far as the business, it is certainly doable. I'd need at least $30-$40K to put in and the remaining will be a business loan. That's a pretty reasonable seed amount. Not saying that I have it, however.

I'm pretty excited about the sys admin stuff though. There is earning potential plus the potential to work in organizations alongside the religious. I can't do both; leaning towards sys admin. Gonna be a steep climb.

hope!

Tomorrow I go meet about the possibility of opening a business. Then I will leave from there and go to a tech school to see what they can do for me. They had recruiters contacting them for their students' resumes today. The lady said I might get help from the unemployment agency too to take the classes I need. Woo hoo!

I want to move into Systems Administration. Every business and organization has a computer system/network that needs to be administered. It would give me great flexibility as to which industry I can be a part of ... including healthcare systems, but most of all, including convents!!!

My dear Lord Jesus, make me useful to you!

whipped

Stepping up the job search (less blogging, see?). Trying to figure out what to do for money until the big job comes (so looking at big jobs and small jobs). Trying to figure out what education I'd need to make a career change, and where I'd get that education and how the heck I'd expect that to happen. Set up a meeting on Wednesday with a company that helps people start a business. I think I'd still like to open a business but sometimes I'm scared to death at the mere thought of it. More pressure than support under this roof. On the other hand, the Sisters are supportive and my family folks are trying to help. However, when it comes to finding a job, there's not a whole lot other folks can do.

I can't even get at my $ in the 401K -- not without heavy penalties. I suppose I'll take those penalties if I have to in order to keep the house. Will cross that bridge when I get there.

Man, I am tired.

cool off

Okay, I've cooled off now. I've talked to some folks I respect. I think I am starting to understand. My apologies to the Dominicans, though I doubt that there are any Dominicans reading this blog. I still need that one-on-one meeting with them, however.

Given a choice between "conservative" or "progressive," one person voiced the opinion that "progressive" is a better approximation of reality. Conservatives are more likely to see things as black and white, and life is not like that. He also said that it's unlikely that I'll find a community in the middle. He explained to me how the religious have studied so much and know so much more than the average pew warmer, and thus the religious are more likely to study stuff that blows my mind. So okay, I'm easing off a little.

Thanks also to Natty, who helped me vent and then work through this stuff.

blabbering

I don't usually cook. But last night I did pork chops (broiled), white rice, veggies from frozen bag, and dinner rolls from frozen stuff. I also baked a cornbread for the following day. The kitchen was a disaster. So after cooking and eating, I also got to do quite a bit of cleaning. Then I ironed 5 shirts before calling it quits, exhausted.

Just about all of today was spent at the Grandmother's. Got home in the evening. Had dinner. Not doing cleaning tonight. Then replaced the inner tube on my bike. My bike has had a flat rear tire for about a month now. The task wasn't as horrible as I had remembered. We were supposed to do 1st Friday adoration tonite 1-2am. I bet it won't happen because Jetson's health won't allow it and because there has already been much complaint and anxiety over the shortage of $. I feel pretty darn cheap/stupid to let the cost of gas keep me from visiting my Lord, but it's for keeping peace under this roof. Now that I've fixed my flat, I can still bike to mass at the nearby parish for the 3 mornings out of the week. Let's see if I'll run into world war over my driving to spiritual direction and volunteering.

Duh, Jetson, what the bleep did you think would happen when I'm unemployed and the unemployment benefits are less than half of what I was bringing home? Did you really think that I would find a job in a month or two? How many times have I asked you to not rely so heavily on my income? And because you so love control, you are now freaking out because you have no control over this. I hope it motivates you to take charge of your own welfare, because I don't intend to be your crutch forever. I'm glad that you recognize that you stand to lose more than I do, you who have amassed much material things. How ironic that it was my income, but your stuff...yours because I have no interest in owning things. May you find your anchor in God.

joy!

It so happens that I was in the neighborhood of my home parish today, because we get prescription medication from a store in that area. So I made it a point to go to St. xx. Ahhhh. Home. I visited with Jesus in the tabernacle for a few minutes; picked up a bulletin on the way out.

Then I went to the office in search of my pastor, hoping to interrupt his day and give him a hug. The receptionist tells me she has no priests today. So I left. As I started towards my car, I thought I heard a door close at the rectory across the way. A little while later a car pulls out of the rectory garage. I'm still walking. I waved to the car, not knowing who was in it. As I jumped into my car and started the engine, the other one pulls up beside me. Out pops my pastor, as sprightly as any 20-yr old! We hugged.

We had a big function at our parish this past Sunday, and I was quite certain that he'd notice I wasn't there. He inquired as to where I had been. We stood there in the late afternoon sun and talked briefly about my Dominican experience. He gave me some encouragement, "Where there is a need, God will fill it. Keep searching." He told me he is all in favor of women priests, and encouraged me to voice my concerns with the Dominican prioress. Then we parted.

My pastor is such a joy and comfort to me. My lord Jesus sure knows how to refresh me. Thank you, Jesus!

not today

Made it to mass this morn. Afterwards I ran into Sr. M of the MSC's. She invited me to ministry. I declined, but left the door open and thanked her for the invite. I am in pain at the moment and don't feel like ministering, however small. I did go do my volunteering thing yesterday (instead of Tuesday), resuming the folding of origami flowers. But I am not ready to do stuff that requires "me." It's not easy for me to say "no" to the Dominicans, and I am still wrestling with it. I was torn as well when I said "no" to the CDP's, but this one seems more painful. Perhaps it's only because it's a fresh wound.

I'll see my spiritual director next Tuesday, though I probably need to talk to somebody NOW. But then, there's a good chance that all this will go away over the weekend. Then ironically, I'd sit there and when she says, "So, what's been going on?" I'd reply, "Nothing much." Not trying to be evasive, it's just that sometimes I'm closed off even to myself. But we'll see. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

daily schedule

a great post on a daily schedule for a Christ-centered day

I never know when I'll be in bed, but I suppose I can force myself out of bed at 6 a.m. daily. Actually, I've been trying without much success. Oddly enough, when I was on the Dominican discernment weekend, I woke up at 6 a.m. each day without an alarm. But since I didn't want to disturb my roomie, I stayed in bed until 7. It might have been that the adjoining room had an alarm that goes off at that time and somewhere in my consciousness my brain heard it; but I don't know. Now with a plan of attack on hand, I might have more success at home.

a dream

Because my affections are so fickle, I have a low-grade anxiety about one day waking up to find that I no longer love my pastor.

This morning, as I sat on the throne in my grogginess, I faintly remembered a dream from the night--I, who rarely ever remembers any dreams. In my dream, my pastor was in a meeting, people around a table and he is dozing in his seat (he is rather senior). When he did wake up, he gave directions and I guess the meeting was over. I approached him and people made way for me. I gave him a big hug and he was happy.

Well, that's good enough a sign for me that I still love him. I haven't seen him in about a month due to him or I being out of town or I was visiting other parishes. I'm looking forward to seeing him again this Sunday; the parish volunteer gigs will be back "on."

soul type

a little more navel gazing ... seen on Lisa's blog

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motivated to succeed (actually, extraordinarily unambitions, and am more along "fear of failure") Actively working to achieve what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. (I guess I can be demanding, but not nagging. I don't beat anyone for producing less than stellar results, but I will have them re-do as time permits and am always careful NOT to push them past their patience.) You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. (Uh, no, no and wow, really? Lethargic is the word.) An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. (Sadly, yes, even though I am aware of my ignorance, I continue to be arrogant at times.) You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. (loner, yes. But would love to be a part of a religious community and I have enjoyed being part of great work team.) Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

canstruction creativity

Sculptures made up of food cans. Afterwards the cans are donated.

another day

This was another one of those celebrated "Take a Loved One to the Doctor Day." This was a major milestone, the very first step to get rolling on medical assistance. That went pretty well. Then I showed where I volunteer, just a few blocks from the doctor's office. Then was taken to run an errand, only to have the check refused again. This time, we knew what to do: go cash the check.

Since it isn't our 'hood, we had to drive around to find the bank (no help from the bank there). Got back in the car, had an argument about the amount being not enough, that the salesperson had rung it up wrong. So okay, wrote another check for the additional amount, found the motor bank from info gotten from the lobby. Got to the motor bank and couldn't find my driver's license. Got into another argument about me being irresponsible. I finally said, "If you can't live with my problems, then I don't want you living with me." Went back to the lobby but they didn't have it ... turns out it was in my back pocket with the pocket prayer book.

Got back to the store and indeed when it was rung up this time, it was more than last time. Fortunately I had enough cash altogether, thanks to the second cash out. Brought the goods out to the car and the recipient was overjoyed, since the clerk had taken very good care of us and gave us above and beyond.

Went to get food. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich and 1/4 turkey muffaletta. Got home only to discover that neither sandwich had lettuce or tomatoes. !#$%^&* Never in a million years did I think that I had to specify lettuce and tomatoes for a sandwich. We ate our sandwiches anyways. Think I'll go take a shower now then maybe play a little Sudoku.

bummed

Coming off the high of the weekend, I am now feeling bummed. How odd that I would put forth some semblance of personal "coolness," composure and energy for the folks; but then get by myself and resort to usual "bummed." Yup, in private, I have those moments where I don't like myself too much. But in public, you'd swear I haven't a problem in the world--never seen one and never will. The mildly upset stomach, having only 4 hours of sleep last night, and internal turmoil from the paradigm shift and paradoxes of the weekend does not help. Anyhow, let me get my butt up and go wash some dishes.

from another blog

lifted from the blog A Catholic Life:

A prayer by St. Thomas Aquinas

Devoutly I Adore Thee (Adoro te devote)

O Godhead hid, devoutly I adore Thee,
Who truly art within the forms before me;
To Thee my heart I bow with bended knee,
As failing quite in contemplating Thee.

Sight, touch, and taste in Thee are each deceived;
The ear alone most safely is believed:
I believe all the Son of God has spoken,
Than Truth's own word there is no truer token.

God only on the Cross lay hid from view;
But here lies hid at once the Manhood too;
And I, in both professing my belief,
Make the same prayer as the repentant thief.

Thy wounds, as Thomas saw, I do not see;
Yet Thee confess my Lord and God to be:
Make me believe Thee ever more and more;
In Thee my hope, in Thee my love to store.

O thou Memorial of our Lord's own dying!
O Bread that living art and vivifying!
Make ever Thou my soul on Thee to live;
Ever a taste of Heavenly sweetness give.

O loving Pelican! O Jesus, Lord!
Unclean I am, but cleanse me in Thy Blood;
Of which a single drop, for sinners spilt,
Is ransom for a world's entire guilt.

Jesus! Whom for the present veil'd I see,
What I so thirst for, O vouchsafe to me:
That I may see Thy countenance unfolding,
And may be blest Thy glory in beholding. Amen.

Prayer by Saint Thomas Aquinas, translated by E. Caswall

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Also per the same blog, please use the search engine ProLifeSearch.com to benefit organizations that are pro-life.

Dominican weekend

I enjoyed my weekend with the Dominicans from two different "communities." It's always a joy for me to be with the Sisters of any order. For the weekend, we were very fortunate to have amongst us a prioress and council member from one community. Those two stole my affections the minute I met them. I am so drawn to them.

My roommie and I got along just fine. We got along well enough that I could get a jab in at her this morning and everyone got a good laugh. She will most likely be joining the Dominicans. She is already very active in youth ministry and is very outgoing and energetic.

There was an awkward moment on Saturday when I was asked what I thought, and me being the social idiot, told the truth rather bluntly. I did refrain from saying more than "I don't think I am called to preach in the pulpit." I think the room deflated. After the Sisters gave some more encouragement and advice to remain open to the possibilities, we broke for lunch.

Everything was back on track after lunch. The room was once more relaxed. We had some free time. I took a short walk with two of the Sisters. When we came back, I showed another Sister how to do Sudoku, but the puzzle was too hard to work cleanly. However, she got the gist and will try on Monday, when the puzzle will be easier. She tried to show me Spider Solitaire, but got interrupted by a phone call and we didn't continue.

Parting was such sweet sorrow. Fortunately the two who stole my affections are from the community located in the city where I live. We were in separate cars so I said good bye to them in the other city. Then again when we crossed paths at a lunch stop. Then finally again when we got back to the convent. They seem open to continue communications with me and I look forward to seeing more of them and perhaps pursuing a more direct, individual dialogue.

Dear God, how is it that you send folks to steal my heart, when my heart is meant for you?

the weather thing

Seen on Natty's blog and Susan's blog

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Now that's funny: me being known for my beauty and me being seductive. But it is true that I don't stick around long. I have a short attention span and a restless nature.

looking forward to weekend

I'm really, really looking forward to a discernment weekend. We'll be heading out tomorrow afternoon right after lunch. It'll be some Sisters and maybe three of us seekers. I suppose I can play nice for the weekend.

Sister called me yesterday to finalize the arrangements. She'll be heading on first because of an all-day meeting there. I laughingly asked her if she was going ahead so that she could fluff our pillows for us. She said yes and that she might put a chocolate kiss on them too. I nearly choked. Amen, amen, I say to you, I am not worthy of anybody fluffing my pillows for me. She might have just been joking.

Sharing a room with a total stranger will be interesting. I'm somewhere between neat and sloppy.

Then there's the mass dress thing. Sister told me jeans and t-shirt will be just fine. However, the right thing to do is at least slacks and blouse. But not wishing to play one-upmanship, if the other seekers are going the jeans and t-shirt route, then I will as well. I suppose it'd be wierd if I ask them what they plan on wearing to mass.

just stuff

volunteering:
Got there late. Grabbed a hefty-sized knife from the kitchen. Butchered some green styrofoam-like stuff and put them in flower vases. Somebody else crafty will poke various plant matter into them to make table center pieces. Butchering finished, we then proceeded to fold some simple origami "flowers." They needed over 100. I think I made ten. Wish I could make them all for them. Good luck to them.

I skipped their mass (the one with the dog), having been to one this morning already.

Heard today:
"Why should I go to mass daily? Especially since I sometimes leave feeling empty?" Various folks came up with a variety of good answers. I kept silent since the answer coming from me is not going to carry much weight due to "familiarity" with the one posing the question. Later with just the two of us, my opinionated self could hold silent no more and mentioned the eucharist, the priestly blessings, concept of "family meal," and God deserves worship and thanksgiving. But whatever the reasons, you have to make them your own. Father Mitch Pacwa, S.J. (my favorite Jesuit) explains it beautifully as to "why should I go to mass?" I hope y'all get to hear it some time, when he talks about mom laboring over Sunday dinner and everyone coming to the table.

life path number

seen on Natty's blog and Steph's blog.

Your Life Path Number is 7

Your purpose in life is to find truth and meaning You are very spiritual, and you are interested in the mysteries of life. You are quite analytical and a great thinker. You have many theories and insights. A life of solitude is perfect for you. You need time to think and do things your way. In love, you are quite charming. You attract many with your confidence and wit. While you enjoy being alone, sometimes you take it to an extreme. You can become too isolated, shutting out loved ones and friends. Express yourself a little bit more, and you'll be surprised where it takes you!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

aww...how flattering

volume to surface area II

Continuing the exploration of the volume to surface area ratio in my world.

grapes
The skin of grapes don't taste so great. Little grapes don't have enough volume to compensate for their bitter surface area. The grapes I bought today are probably no bigger than a dime in diameter (they're spherical). A shopper with her wits about her probably would have noted, "Hey, there is not enough volume relative to surface area on those grapes."

Reese's peanut butter cups
I like those things. Specifically, I like the big ones because they have more filling relative to the skin. The volume to surface area ratio is potentially the same for both, the big ones and the little ones. Unfortunately, the surface is so thick, that on the little ones, there is hardly room for fillings. So the big Reese's peanut butter cups are better. So one must also consider the thickness of the surface, which infringes on the volume it contains.

agitator dogs

Friday, Gumby called a friend about the washer and after some discussion with me, he decided we needed new agitator dogs. Yup, google for "agitator dogs" images and you'll see them. They have tiny teeth on the fat round edge. I told him nothing was catching on the agitator and he told me new dogs will catch anything. He couldn't understand why I couldn't take the agitator apart.

So he picked up the parts along with some appliance knobs we needed and came over. Then he fought with the agitator and when it did come apart, it hit him on the forehead because he was looking down at it while trying to yank it up. I asked him about tooling to remove that part and he told me two screw drivers. Yeah, right. I bet there is a special tool for it.

Anyhow, the washer is fixed now and our appliances now have all their knobs. He had gone with us to pick up the fish dinners and desert so we dined together. We reimbursed him for the parts (~$20) but he wouldn't take any extra for gas and such.

So if your agitator isn't agitating correctly, it's probably your agitator dogs. (But if it isn't rotating at all, it's probably the motor.)

some days

I washed the car. Then the car got rained on.

I took the washer agitator out of the washer, but then I couldn't get the agitator apart to access its innards.

I went shopping, took an hour, then they wouldn't take my check so I went home empty-handed.

But then I remembered that I left the notepad with the grocery list in the cart. So I had to double back, in rush-hour traffic, just to retrieve the notepad.

I remembered a saying I heard once: "Some days, it's not worth it to get out of bed." But then I remembered that I had mass that morning. Then I decided that even if my world falls apart around me, it is definitely worth it to get out of bed just to attend mass.

Not that I get any feel-good out of mass. I just know and understand what the mass is.

And we did get our fish dinner. Both the mass and the fish dinner came from the same parish.

to do

Yes, sadly I've fallen steeply into the addiction of Sudoku. It took every spare moment, and I spared every moment possible. At this point, I have decided either I need more sleep, or their timer has been geared to tease me...adding minutes to my time when it sees my IP address. See, if things don't measure up, blame the yardstick.

Now I need to get some stuff done. Warm enough day to go wash the car. The washer agitator needs looking into. Don't know how long it's been like that. Laundry is a task that I've been barred from but I was helping last night and noticed that the agitator is not working right. Washers are new territory for me, but I like taking stuff apart. Putting it back together is even more challenging. A grocery run is also in order. A nearby parish is having a fish fry today; will need to do a fish run for dinner. Oh, and somewhere I need to scan the job openings, and apply for a few.

Tomorrow, Gumby and I might go check out the Dominican jubilee celebration.

Hey, Natty, if you ship Oreo down here, I'll take care of it. Y'all (that's short for "you all") have a great weekend. I will try to refrain from touching my computer (other than to look for jobs) and go have a life instead.

big city

I live in a big city. I just realized that. It took me 45 minutes to get across town on a freeway (doing 60-65mph). When I finished and headed back, it was rush hour. There is not a single freeway or major road in the city that is not jam-packed with cars. I made the mistake of attempting the low road. I was just following my nose, not really having a clear idea of where the road goes. For a while there, it looked like I was making better time than if I had attempted the freeway. Then it got bad. Eventually I took a left. Then eventually a right. Then I found myself in the medical center. That's really bad. Eventually made it to a freeway, and it was still packed (this is an hour since I started the trek back) ... we were going 20-35 mph for several miles. It took a total of 1.5 hours to get home, which I then passed up to go get some food.

Looking through the window of the food place, it looked like two busloads of people were packed in line in there. I go to the take-out counter. Waited a few minutes to place my order. Then guess what? They ran out of some of the food. So people started modifying their orders and making substitutions. I'm still waiting. Eventually I get "it'll be another 10 minutes for mashed potatoes." Okay, give me new potatoes then. A little while later it's "we're out of cornbread, it'll be another 2 minutes." Give me rolls then. That was 30 minutes for the take out order. So in total, it took me more than two hours to get home.

I'm on the southeast side of town. My last work location is even further south away from the city. So I never had to go through town. Today I learned that I live in a B-I-G city. *sigh* another thing to look forward to when I do get a new job. And heck no, I ain't taking the low road next time.

3's meme

tagged by Sixtina at Religious Life (she told me she did)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. anon
2. anonymous
3. not telling
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. newbie
2. vital signs
3. seeking something
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. easy to feed
2. laid back
3. pretty freakin' responsible; if you can get me to sign up to it, consider it done
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF (*sigh*):
1. huh? would you repeat the question? I can be a little dense. If baptism=enlightenment, then I need several more dunkings. "If we can understand it, it's not God" (rough paraphrase of St. Augustine); per this model, I happen to experience quite a bit of "God."
2. Not graceful at all. Physically or socially.
3. aw, c'mon, two's enough
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. 100% [unrevealed birth nationality]
2. country/urban/suburban American
3. Catholic (well, now it is)
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. kids (and the mama and papa bears)
2. people (I can't figure them out)
3. new situations (I'm not too swift on my feet)
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. um...what was that psycho model? safety/security, physical comfort, and social belonging?
2. underwear (I gotta have 'em), clothes
3. kindness somewhere, either heard, seen, received, or given
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW (*blush*):
Actually, I'm just teasing. I've not gotten out of today's clothes yet.
1. shoes, socks, jeans, t-shirt, sweatshirt, and see item #2 above
2. diamond-like stud earrings, wristwatch, glasses, chapstick
3. an unvited cat to adorn my lap
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists (at the moment)):
1. Michael Jackson (c'mon now, he's good when it comes to music)
2. Beatles
3. Barbara Streisand
(yeah, I'm a little out of it)
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. something churh-related, if I can muster the energy and attention, like maybe learn the Our Father in Latin for real, and in Spanish, ditto for the Hail Mary, or try a novena, or get back onto the online bible study courses
2. a new restuarant
3. a fast from all things bloggy
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. sincerity: don't lie to me, and don't even try to use me
2. fun: let's do things together and enjoy it together
3. God: let's not forget what (who) is really important
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life.
2. Life is messy.
3. I'm not lying if I can help it.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. reasonable good health, good personal hygiene
2. a kind face
3. smile and laughter
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. dance, act, do magic, play a musical instrument
2. be creative and come up with a story
3. be a girly girl (please don't ask about fashion or colors or what looks good)
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. bicycling
2. um...outdoorsy non-competitive fun stuff like paddle-boating or a try at row-boating or sculling or maybe even some of the silly girl scout camp games (though I have no idea what they are)
3. reading (but you can't tell based on the volumes not read)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. join a Catholic women's religious order, but not if it's not God's will
2. finish this questionnaire so I can post it
3. awww...reach out and give you a BIG hug ...or maybe not
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. [my current undivulged one]
2. dunno, maybe run my own slushie stand or something...no one around me is too thrilled with that idea, talk about a vote of no confidence
3. professed religious
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Europe tour
2. skiing!
3. maybe some lovely beach somewhere ... Seychelles? ... even though I don't know how to swim
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE (living is a given):
1. try some skiing, some snow boarding, maybe some body board surfing
2. show up at work one day with a seriously wild RED wig
3. doing something useful with my life would be nice

major distraction

Well, gee, thanks to T.O. at LAMLand, I now have an even BIGGER distraction: Sudoku.

I spent 45-50 minutes on the first few games each (and it was the EASY version). I evetually got it down to 15 minutes and thought I was some big shot, only to have them tell me that most people finish an easy game in 7-something minutes.

Yeah, I'm mad as heck. I'm missing something there. When I get the chance I'm going to try some more ... I need to figure out the patterns.

enjoyable morn

Did two "brochures" for my volunteer morn: a bi-fold with front and back pages and full page center. Pretty simple, just text boxes and a graphic on the front. Someone had already sketched the layout and someone [else] had already typed the text. So it was just the mechanics of putting it in Publisher. I didn't want to mess with their design since I didn't know whole lot about the project. That done, I still had an hour to blow off. Chatted some and played with the dog some.

From there I went to meet with a Dominican, got free lunch and a little tour of their place. Seem like I can get along with them, their environment, and their food. I was invited to a jubilee celebration this Saturday so that I'd get a flavor of their celebration. I'll think about it. I'll be joining them for a ride over to the discernment weekend 1/27-29. Oh, turns out she wasn't just "a" Dominican, she's on the leadership council -- a "big wheel." I shall withhold any opinions and questions until said discernment weekend.

So a fun day after yesterday's "blah" day.

4's meme

Susan Rose has invited all to the meme.

Four Jobs I've had in my life:
1. xx (the one I just got laid off from)
2. some sort of clean up tech
3. vet assistant
4. grocery store cashier
Movies I could watch over and over (and have). [not a movie buff, but I'll spit some out]:
1. Auntie Mame // Rosalind Russell
2. Dances with Wolves // Kevin Costner
3. Shawshank Redemption // Morgan Freeman
4. The Ten Commandments // you know who
Four Places I have lived:
1. Texas
2. Texas
3. Jersey City, NJ
4. another country (I was but a wee lassie)
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch (I don't really watch any shows):
1. ER
2. Discovery Channel (if I only had cable)
3. Nightline
4. CSI: Miami
Four Places I have been on Vacation (vacation? what's that?):
1. Houston, TX
2. Austin, TX
3. San Antonio, TX
4. Galveston, TX
Four Websites I visit Daily (yeah, I know I haven't been doing the Hunger Site):
1. Sisterbloggers ring members
2. LAMLand
3. my bank (now I do, it's my homepage)
4. my links page
Four Favorite Foods (only four?):
1. Spaghetti
2. Pizza
3. Jello (well, I think it's food)
4. soups
Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now
1. Heaven
2. with Jesus
3. with Mary
4. convent ... gee, how unimaginative

wasted

Yup. Friggin wasted my day. Woke up at 7:30 a.m. with a start 'cause I thought Smurf was calling me in the other room. Not the case. But I needed to put the trash out anyways. Saw some kids walking to school as I put the trash out (huh?!). Went to mass ... saw kids walking home as I headed off to mass. What, did no one tell them that there is no school on MLK,Jr. day?

Took a nap somewhere in the eve because I've been feeling exhausted all day. Well that didn't help. Naps during the day have a tendency to make my head feel stuffy-funny when I wake up. And heck, I'm still feeling blah. Got a tootache now. I've bad teeth all my life and no regular access to a dentist all my life. I've a bunch extracted and the rest are leaning all over the place. I've a bunch of fillings a few crowns, and several that were started for a crown but never finished (long story). I now definitely don't have access to a dentist so when a toothache comes up, I just wait for the thing to die and fall out. Right now the pain is minor. Chew carefully.

I admit I have an addiction: FreeCell the easy version. I've been at it for hours today. I probably play some at least every week. I'm on game #2301, and still haven't resolved #617 and #1941. I admit I wasn't too sharp tonight, but did make it through tonight's games.

So I've been suffering from the-weather's-gray-cloudy-rainy-I-feel-like-crap-and-don't-wanna-do-anything-all-day-and-at-the-same-time-feeling-crappy-about-that-too-itis. My grace before dinner included a petition for those who are homeless that they may find shelter, warmth, and food. So for a second there I did think beyond myself.

health stuff

sugar suppresses immune function (Google search) I'm not giving up my sugar, though.

When exercising, sports drinks are better for hydration (Sports Coach page -- pulled from Google results for this topic)

Swimmers have increased appetite when coming from cold water. Swim if you like, but resist the urge to eat more; or select a warmer pool. Years ago, I read a study that indicates that pool activities are not as effective for weight loss as other exercise. However, I think the best exercise is the one that you like best, that way, you're more likely to stick to it. As far as temperature, I suspect that similarly, our appetites increase when we are cold. So if we sit in nice cool offices and drink cold drinks, it is no wonder that we have increased appetites.

rare find?

It pains me that there is a push for women's ordination. It pains me even worse when it's Catholic women religious who are pushing for it. One response I received basically indicated that since women are teaching men to be priests, that makes women qualified. Then there's the issue that although the priesthood is not a "right," what if the woman feels called to be ordained? Well, who is helping the woman with this discernment? Yes, indeed, some priest are open to women's ordination. I feel that unless God himself makes it abundantly, unmistakably clear that He wants women's ordination, we ought to leave it alone. A bunch of dissenting voices is not a divine sign to me.

I basically wear a big label that says, "Though I would like to join a religious order, I simply cannot in good conscience join one that promotes women's ordination." You see, if I cannot stand in solidarity with you, what sense would it make for me to join you? Why would I put myself in a position where I have to choose between obedience to the Holy See and obedience to Mother Superior?

Which brings up another question: Are there any women's orders left who do NOT promote women's ordination, either subtly or openly? I don't know.

A bunch of links on the topic of women's ordination at Catholic Pages directory (I've not read them; they might all be one-sided).

surface area to volume ratio

critters
For us critters, we lose heat from our surface (skin). Critters who have a small volume relative to their surface area (skin surface) lose alot of heat. It's been said that the squirrel suffers from such and have to eat almost constantly. I suspect skinny folks suffer such as well. Overweight folks may do okay in cooler climates, but their larger volume make warm climates kinda hellish.

bread
Got a sandwich from a bakery today. It's kinda skinny, maybe twice as wide as Jack-in-the-Box's Panido sandwich. I like my french bread with more volume than surface area and this skinny bread doesn't meet that criterium. Being skinny, it has more crust and less fluff so my sandwich was a little lacking in bread.

I know of another nearby place that makes this type of sandwich, which costs 50 cents less and I think the sandwich tastes better, with the bread and seasoning that I prefer. However, it is only available in a certain window of time, and there is usually a long line. The bakery one costs a little more, doesn't taste as good to me, but has NO LINE and is available as long as the bakery is open. Convenience wins. Robocop likes the bakery version better. I'm like, "Huh?!!"

cat problems

I've been putting my male cat on a diet per vet recommendation. He was 20 pounds and now he's 18 ... and he's getting into everything hunting for food. I just chased him off the dining table. Darn cat. Oh, sorry, it's not a cat - it's a pig that looks like a really cute cat.

The female one is being switched to canned food. She weighs hardly anything; it's a wonder she doesn't just float in the air. She won't hardly touch the canned food. My non-sympathetic self says when she's hungry enough, she'll eat it. Some tiny little voice somewhere is saying to get on the web and look for suggestions on how to make the switch.

Though piglet is hungry, he won't touch the canned food either. In fact, he only eats the dry food and nothing else--not even treats. Our cats have never gotten treats because they simply don't eat them. We've tried. Anyhow, it's simpler that way.

FTP tip & image sharing options

For those who have websites other than blogs, here is an FTP tip at Lifehacker.com

I use Filezilla. Link to that is in the comments section of that post as well.

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Also some image sharing options at Ask MetaFilter.

graced day

Thanks be to God. As a token of gratitude, I read Psalm 23 and Mary's Canticle (the Magnificat).

Many thanks for all of your prayers. God is good all the time, and I'm sure that stuff that happened today are a result of prayers from good folks.

We met with the entity that froze our assets, got stuff resolved, and they took less than half of the original figure.

Met with the bank, and they took off every single bank charge. See, Tonto has been banking there for a veeerrrry loooong time. Eons ago, Tonto had a brush with this bank employee, but the two of them resolved it beautifully. This employee has never forgotten it, and have moved through the ranks over the years. So when Tonto walked in today, favors were generously returned. Hmm...I suppose it really pays to have a working relationship with your banker. So be sure to be kind to everyone you meet, he/she might be your banker some day. ;)

damage control

We'll be spending today trying to clean up the banking mess. Let it be known that the Feds government entities have no problems getting into your account freezing your assets. This happened last week and the bank didn't mail us a notice until 4 days after, meaning that we didn't get the notice until maybe yesterday (we didn't check the mail yesterday).

On top of that, I also received in the mail a notice that I still have a balance on one of my student loans and that the interest accrues daily. Lovely. Where was this one when all of my student loans were consolidated? Well, that's going to have to be another day.

On the positive side, good thing I didn't get the cat food yesterday. We're probably going to switch to canned food for them.

Real live soap opera here. Stay tuned... Will she find a job? Will they lose the house and cars and end up on the street? Will she ever get out from under the mega student loan balance whose interest keeps marching on? Will the financial mess ever get unmessy? Will Tonto's health ever be helped? This is not the only drama ... it's only the drama that I'm giving a peek of. Heck, at least it's not a messy divorce with a love triangle involved, conspiracy, messed up kids, and the bleeding head of a horse in my bed.

reject

Went to buy cat food. The check was rejected. Went home to look at the bank account. Holy baloney. Major crap has happened ... not anything as simple as too many checks ... somebody has funneled off moolah. Something beyond my understanding has happened, and the bank bounced every single check written from that time, even going so far as to reverse payments of checks that did clear so that now they aren't cleared. We're talking several hundred $$ worth of overdraft fee here.

If I get dragged off to jail, I expect every one of you to write me ... via snail mail of course, no computers in a jail cell.

My oh my, doesn't the devil hate souls that love God! Try as you might, Satan, nothing you do shall turn me against my sweet Saviour, Jesus Christ. Jesus, My Lord and my God, I do believe. Increase my faith!

big ride

The MS150 fundraising bicycle ride is a two-day weekend ride from Houston, TX to Austin, TX. Depending on how they decide to route it, is usually 90-something miles per day. It has become a huge affair, garnering the attention of the local newpapers. Per their website, this year they have about 13,000 riders. Folks, that's alot of bicycles. It's such a big ride that they've upped the $$ to try and limit the participation. It has certainly limited my participation. When I first did it several years back (I've done it a few times), the registration was $25 - now $75 - and the per-rider minimum donation to be raised was $150 - now $400. I don't have that kind of money and I don't feel good about hitting up my friends and relatives for that much donation either.

Those of you attempting the ride for the first time: absolutely train for the ride, and don't attempt it on a department store bike. Go to a bike shop and get a real bike. Training should have started no later than October, but now is not too late. For those who tend to cram, one month of training will get you through as well: ride for 30 miles one day (you'll feel like you're dying), rest two weeks, then ride for 50 miles one day (you'll feel like you're dying again), rest for at least a week before the actual event. Definitely not the training plan of choice, but it's better than nothing. On your rides, eat EVERY hour. Your speed should average no less than 10mph (see, at that speed it's going to require 9 hours to cover 90 miles). The speedy folks will be going at 21-23mph and be through a few hours after lunch. I always drag my butt in at sunset. Good Luck.

creative

I occasionally still get enlightening e-mails from my former work cohorts. The following is one such e-mail.

As far as creativity goes, if you've frequented www.gizmodo.com, you'll probably notice that the Japanese have come up with some highly creative (read "wacky") items. One such brainchild was a toilet seat with built-in MP3 player or some such music capability ... with that, you can take care of business to the beat of your favorite tunes.

tag along morning

Didn't do much work volunteering this morn. Scrubbed potatoes, than ran off with Sister to pick up donations at another place. The place handles donations for various charities. They have a thrift shop in the front, accepts donations in the back, and have a workshop where seamstresses work. Very nice place.

We left there, passing a Covenant House along the way, and went to visit one of the houses that this organization runs. It's a house for both men and women. At the moment I don't think they have any residents except those in charge of the house. It would certainly be a step down for me to live in that house, but it's probably a step up for the less fortunate. It's just exposure to another world for my little head. I chatted a little with one of the guys there about rock music (he said he needed a cassette player to play his rock music), horses and saddles. He said he used to have much money, but it wasn't legal. "It wasn't honest work," he admitted. He knew he was knocked off his high horse and hit bottom; he's more settled now. He seems like a nice guy, but no telling what his history is. He probably wouldn't mind telling me his story if we had more time. Too bad he couldn't ply those awesome skills on some ranch somewhere.

During the drive, I noticed how lighthearted the Sisters were, cracking jokes and giggling much. I couldn't hear the jokes, but enjoyed hearing the giggles.

it's a match

There ya go. It matches Natty's

paradigm shift

"Sister, those dangling earrings are blowing my mind."

Why does it make my make my head spin and reel in confusion to see a religious Sister wearing jewelry and/or make-up? Why should I object? Do these things violate my vision of "modesty" and "simplicity?" Do the adornments make me think the focus is more on "self" and less on "Jesus?" Why does it blow my mind, considering that Sister is in every way "religious:" community life, prayer life and ministry. Why does it make me question what is being "witnessed?" Oh I am so confused, so...discombobulated.

could this be true?

Image courtesy of http://www.hetemeel.com/

some more St. Faustina

From the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska (Divine Mercy in My Soul):

Today, the Lord gave me knowledge of His anger toward mankind which deserves to have its days shortened because of its sins. But I learned that the world's existence is maintained by chosen souls; that is, the religious orders. Woe to the world when there will be a lack of religious orders!

Well, actually, St. Faustina's message is that God is merciful. This is but a snippet and alone, it fails to convey that. I plucked it because it tells of the significance of religious orders. When I first started down this path of considering religious life, one of the first questions I asked of myself was "What good would that be? Do we really need another religious Sister?"

undecorate

I will be at a retreat this weekend. It's part of one of the volunteer things at the parish. I'll be on the giving side of it, hence "at retreat" and not "on retreat." There shall be no blogging this weekend. Anyhow, since I'll be out of pocket beginning Friday eve, the Christmas decorations are coming down today and tomorrow.

Go UT!

We're proud of you, UT Longhorns!

still dreamin'

on the vocational front...

Got a call from the Dominicans vocational director last night. She is sending me info about an upcoming discernment opportunity in a neighboring city. I might be able to hitch a ride with them. I don't think I'm called to the Dominicans, but I should still check it out.

Got a publication and card from the Sisters of Christian Charity today. Fired off an e-mail to them to thank them, let them know that I got it and would like to be on their mailing list.

prayers needed

I tried to post this earlier, but it may not have made it. Here it is again, re-typed.

A friend family suddenly lost the mother yesterday due to an anuerysm. Just weeks before Christmas, they had lost an uncle. And earlier in the year, they lost the grandfather and grieved much. Three family deaths in less than one year. At least they were natural deaths not accidents or due to some injustice, so no gaping wounds of that nature. I am most concerned for their little boy, he is not yet 11 years old. May God grant this family the graces they need to grow through this.

Thank you in advance for your prayers.

expensive day

Did not make it to mass this morning, maybe I'll make the evening one?

At the car dealer: oil change, new air filter, new wheel locks but they're on order and will be in tomorow, news that tire cannot be fixed. Did not make it to volunteering this morn. Left car dealer and went to tire place: free rotation, ponder buying new tires. Left there to go to spiritual direction. Left there and went home to eat. Then returned to the tire place to get two new tires (funny, when I walked in, the guy at the counter said, "What, you want to un-rotate your tires now?"). Discarded the damaged tire, put the better of the two old tires on the spare, took the one on the spare off the rim and now have in garage for future emergencies, although the road hazard warranty should take care of that. Where is all the $ coming from? I foresee utilities not getting paid ...

My spiritual director was gentle with me. I'm always a little apprehensive as I usually have nothing to report (as in "no improvement"). Ah, the unfanthomable gentleness of Jesus.

Went to a nearby church at almost 4pm to thank God for all his Goodness. Church was locked. Bummer. Said a few Hail Mary's on the drive home instead.

New Year meme

Moneybags at A Catholic Life has tagged me for this meme -

Year End / New Year Meme

The Year End/New Year meme consists in conducting a brief evaluation of 2005 and then moving on to making plans for 2006. It involves answering ten simple questions.

What was your favorite movie in 2005?
dunno...did I see a movie?

What was your favorite book in 2005?
Considering that I only read one, it would have to be Padre Pio: Wonder Worker.

Slightly richer, Thinner or fatter?
Probably a little fatter.

What kept you sane this past year?
God, of course. And regular meet-ups with religious Sisters -- what a source of encouragement!

Which personal accomplishment in 2005 are you most pleased with?
Gee, did I accomplish anything? Got employer to donate a few $ to a favored charity.

What resolutions have you made for '06?
None, really. But I think I'll try to say the Hail Mary; Our Father; Holy, Holy...; and either the Memorare or Angelus every day.

Which bad habit are most motivated to break?
Not praying regularly.

What are you most looking forward to in 2006?
A new beginning, seeing where God leads me (sure hope I listen).

*sigh* too bashful to tag... so Barb and Brad have graciously taken the tag on themselves