Not on most days

It went like this:

"Excuse me. Good morning, Father."
"Good morning."
"Do you guys do confessions on Sunday?"
"No."
"No?"
"No, only on [this particular day of the week, at this hour]"

hmm...

who knows?

Who knows what God has in mind? All I can do is trust in His will; I know that His plans are best. Who would've thought that I'd be Catholic, or even Christian? Who knows why He waited so long to bring me to this point, why he waited until I am almost too old to enter a convent? (Yes, I know: "Say not I am too young ...")

Even now, though I am chomping at the the bit and stamping my feet in impatience, the gate has not opened. This is not to say that He has done nothing, because He has certainly done much. But I am getting impatient with the preparations; I know He is preparing both me and the community in which I am to enter.

Patience is a virtue. I do know one way to beat the devil is to have patience and persistence. Perhaps this is a battle of patience at the moment. I have no choice but to wait. And while the angels fight for me, it is my job not to crumble. Lord, it is you for whom I wait. I am in the desert, I am without daily mass, without spiritual direction, and now without Sunday communion, but I know I am NOT without YOU. The devil may dance but I know he won't win.

today

Tired. Seems like I'm always tired.

Was hungry this morning, but I didn't eat since I was going to mass. On the way there, it occurred to me that I shouldn't take communion until I've been to confession. (Thank you, God, for reminding me.) Oh well. I guess it was still good to have fasted. I don't know when or where I'll be doing confession. Everything is so much more difficult with this job--it sucks my time and energy.

Came back home after mass and gobbled up a variety of leftovers ... then my digestive system objected. Fortunately it was only a mild objection.

I was given a new book yesterday: The Essential Moral Handbook - A Guide to Catholic Living by Kevin J. O'Neil, C.S.S.R. and Peter Black, C.S.S.R. I have read the intro (thanks to the mild digestive system objection) and it seems to be a very readable and interesting book. So I suppose this will be my current read.

Cell phone that was lost has been returned.

New gas station opened up near our house. It currently has the best price around. I filled up both cars for less than fifty bucks.

Else I'm just continuing to struggle ... struggling against my tiredness, against my smallness of heart and smallness of mind. Trying to stay awake and to function, trying to find the energy to move out of autopilot.....zzzzz

stuff

Interesting knick knacks at Foster's ... not that I would want to temp anyone's pocketbook.

On the topic of "stuff", I had mentioned to friends that if I get married, my wedding registry would be at one of the big name car dealerships.

one night invite

"Hearts Ablaze"

Come Risk the Sacred Journey

A gathering for women ages 20-40

who are discerning a call to religious life

Friday, September 15, 2006 - 6:00 P.M.

Until

Saturday, September 16, 2006 - 6:00 P.M.

Dominican Sisters' Meeting Room

Houston, Texas

To register or for more information please contact:

p c a s e y at d o m h o u . o r g

(out of the office August 28th - September 4th)

"Weren't our hearts ablaze within us while he was talking to us on the road"

blah

Nothing much to report. I'm now sleeping in Gumby's room so that Gumby might wake me if my assistance is needed. However, I have been told that Gumby has on occasion screamed in pain but the screams did nothing to disturb my sleep. I suggested that something can be thrown at me to wake me up. This is interesting since my sleep was lighter when I we had our sick dog back in October. I actually would wake up when he whimpered. Evidently somewhere in the back of my brain it must have figured that it need not be alarmed at Gumby's activities. So I happily snooze away for the 4-5 hours that I might get each night.

The day or two after I posted about headlights being amazingly long lasting, I had to replace one of the headlight bulbs on my car. This week our neighbor replaced the car battery for me. Last weekend I lost my cell phone at mass. Gumby is convinced that it was stolen. Sad thing is that people's phone numbers are now in the hands of some unknown person. May God render the phone (or at least the SIM) inoperable. I had the phone set so that when it powers on, the opening text is "Seek first the kingdom of God." Hopefully it will be heeded.

Ps 27 / prayer before a crucifix

I'm pretty sure it's going to take me more than a week to memorize this one. Anyways, here goes.
--------------------------

Psalm 27

Of David

-A-
I
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
   whom do I fear?
The LORD is my life's refuge;
   of whom am I afraid?
When evildoers come at me
   to devour my flesh,
These my enemies and foes
   themselves stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me,
   my heart does not fear;
Though war be waged against me,
   even then do I trust.


II
One thing I ask of the LORD;
   this I seek:
To dwell in the LORD'S house
   all the days of my life,
To gaze on the LORD'S beauty,
   to visit his temple.
For God will hide me in his shelter
   in time of trouble,
Will conceal me in the cover of his tent;
   and set me high upon a rock.
Even now my head is held high
   above my enemies on every side!
I will offer in his tent
   sacrifices with shouts of joy;
   I will sing and chant praise to the LORD.


-B-
I
Hear my voice, LORD, when I call;
   have mercy on me and answer me.
"Come," says my heart, "seek God's face";
   your face, LORD, do I seek!
Do not hide your face from me;
   do not repel your servant in anger.
You are my help; do not cast me off;
   do not forsake me, God my savior!
Even if my father and mother forsake me,
   the LORD will take me in.


II
LORD, show me your way;
   lead me on a level path
   because of my enemies.
Do not abandon me to the will of my foes;
   malicious and lying witnesses
   have risen against me.
But I believe I shall enjoy the LORD'S goodness
   in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD, take courage;
   be stouthearted, wait for the LORD! 

Prayer Before a Crucifix

Look down upon me, good and gentle Jesus, while before Your face I humbly kneel and with burning soul pray and beseech You to fix deep in my heart lively sentiments of faith, hope and charity, true contrition for my sins, and a firm purpose of amendment.

While I contemplate, with great love and tender pity, Your five most precious wounds, pondering over them within me and calling to mind the words which David, Your prophet, said of You, My Jesus: "They have pierced my hands and my feet, they have injured all my bones." Amen

my personality revealed

Okay, so a three question test of two choices each question doesn't allow for much variation. I looked at the test again today and my answers didn't change ... guess I'm not multiple personality (yet, anyways).

So I went looking for the meaning of an "SP" personality; and the SP group, like for all the personality groups, have four variations. I pick the introvert variations, and being that I'm no artist, went with mechanic. So the personality is then "ISTP." I didn't go looking for the other personality types ... this one seems close enough.

Indeed I'm hands-on, laid back, doing-stuff, how-does-it-work, need-time-to-think/sort, don't-trust-my-feelings type. Yes, I do tend to revert to being rather juvenile when under stress.

Take for example, this weekend at the Dominican jubilee celebration. This is a huge event. And what did I do? I showed up in jeans and t-shirt. Yes, I had caved into the temptation of "so sue me" "what are you gonna do, fire me?" "the hell with it" slacker attitude. I had considered slinking off with my tail tucked but decided against it. I'll risk the embarassment, with the hopes of dazzling them so with my personality that the dress (or lack thereof) shall be forgiven. The results were less than stellar since there is nothing dazzling about my introverted somebody-save-me-please personality. I would just have to redeem myself another way ... like staying to the end and helping with the clean up ... shoot, I was dressed for that.

so tell me about myself

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP) You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations. You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky. You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations. It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school. You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you. You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience. In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment. At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur. With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out. As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes. On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

The Three Question Personality Test

(seen at LamLand)

on the mend

Tonto's medical procedure went well. However, there were some very rough moments these past five days. Codeine was never an option. The side effects of morphine became unbearable and Tonto eventually refused it. The body seems to have gotten used to Demerol from the previous go-around. Currently a combination of Tylenol and oxycodone seems to be working. But the day that the morphine was discontinued, the right medication and right dosage was not yet dialed in and the pain went unchecked until the doc came in the next morning and upped the dosage.

However, Tonto is progressing far better this time than last time. Don't know if Tonto will be moved to another unit or discharged home with continuing home care. Perhaps we'll know Monday. In the mean time, I have to go back to work since I didn't get fired. I'll head back to the hospital tonight, spend the night and leave for work in the morning from there. Tonto is leery of this particular nurse...so much so that Tonto didn't sleep a wink last night. I'll spend the night and plan to sleep sitting up. If I lie down, I'm out like a light.

book meme

I've been tagged by T.O., who has far more interesting entries for this meme, but here goes...
1. One book that changed your life: Catholic bible (honestly, though, no ONE book has ever changed my life ... I lean a lot on St. Augustine's Confessions as well and hope to eventually have St. Ambrose and the early church fathers thoughts in my mental tool shed)
2. One book that you’ve read more than once: Catholic bible (not that I ever finished it)
3. One book you'd want on a desert island: Catholic bible (maybe I can finish reading it while waiting for my ship to come in, provided that I don't get dragged off by native cannibal islanders)
4. One book that made you laugh: Alice in Wonderland would probably do the trick, but I've never read it
5. One book that made you cry: Joy Luck Club (I can't remember who gave me that book ... lucky for them)
6. One book that you wish had been written: no vote here because even if it were written, I'd probably not read it
7. One book that you wish had never been written: any book on the occult...I don't and won't read them
8. One book you’re currently reading: none...been collapsing of sheer exhaustion lately
9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: Catholic bible (well, I've been meaning to finish reading it)
10. Now tag five people: you, you, you, you, and you too

sorry, I'm not particularly bookish in recent years

rainbows

Driving home this evening I saw a rainbow. The sky was darkish, the sun was setting and the night was coming in. Spread across the partly cloudy sky was a huge rainbow, its red well contrasted against the darkish gray. The rainbow had blurred edges and had some parts hidden behind clouds; it looked like an oil painting. So big was this rainbow that I would have to turn my head to see the other end. Unlike other rainbows that looked transparent, this one looked solid, like you could touch it.

Yesterday I saw a rainbow as I was driving home as well. But I had left work earlier in the day and it was the "usual" transparent faint rainbow with the sun shining against the clouds. Yesterday, though, there was a moment where it seemed like I was driving right through one of the ends of the rainbow.

These rainbows ... it's as if God is saying "I'm still here."

ARRRRRGGGHHH !!!!

I attempted the CCNA test again. And for the second time, I did not pass. friggin fraggin *grumble* How shall I put it ... frustrating, exasperating, aggravating, agonizing, de-moralizing, humiliating, disappointing ... yes, my friends painful and bitter was this defeat. So much so that I inwardly whined "unfair!" violating my own rule of no-whining. On the positive side, I didn't score less than last time.

I have proven once more that it's hard as hell to cram successfully for this test. There are simulator labs on the test that I simply have not been able to pass. My dinosaur of a computer cannot run simulators so I've not been able to practice. As an analogy, it is sort of like being able to pass my music theory but not able play a music instrument and therefore failed the exam. You see, it's hard to learn to play a music instrument without having one to practice on. However, it is not impossible to learn this stuff without the simulator -- it's just harder.

I've calmed down by this time, though still bitter. I'm just going to have to crunch down and study harder, and get other study materials. Some of the questions on the test were not covered that thoroughly in the book I have. I have to remind myself that there a worse things: war, domestic abuse, poverty, etc. This was just friggin certification test.

Got a hair cut today. It almost would pass for a head shave except that I do have some length of hair left. Then I got my tires rotated (sure hope they rotated all four tires). It was closing time and the guys at the tire store were hurrying to get everything done before the advancing storm clouds hit us. It went from a scorchingly hot day to a storming evening.

Ps 23 / peace prayer

I occasionally take up the project of memorizing a prayer. This week's project is the 23rd Psalm and the Universal Peace Prayer. I didn't quite find the ideal 23rd Psalm translation, but I gotta settle on one, so I picked the NIV version. Kinda odd how it changes from third person to second person. Depeding on how crazy my schedule is, this might take me more than a week.
--------------------------

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
   he leads me beside quiet waters,


he restores my soul.
   He guides me in paths of righteousness
   for his name's sake.


Even though I walk
   through the valley of the shadow of death,
   I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
       they comfort me.


You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
   You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.


Surely goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
   and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
   forever.


--------------------------
Universal Peace Prayer


Lead me from death to life,
   from falsehood to truth.
Lead me from despair to hope,
   from fear to trust.
Lead me from hate to love,
   from war to peace.
Let peace fill my heart,
   my world, my universe.
Amen.

worn out

Friday I was so tired. I looked at the clock (on my computer) and saw that my shift was over. I had answered all my e-mails up to that point. I shut down my computer and just got up and left. Nevermind that I had work piled up from yesterday. Nevermind that I didn't get to all the stuff I was supposed to get to today (or yesterday). Nevermind that I had put on my timesheet that I would work 14 hours that day. Since my co-workers were all busy, buried in their own pile of stuff, I bet they didn't notice me leaving. I'm sure they were shocked when they looked around and found that I wasn't there--I who show up at 7am and don't leave until 8pm or later.

I was just really tired. I couldn't take it any more. The intent was to come back on Saturday morning. After spending $65 to fill up both cars yesterday, Pogo said to save on the gas and don't go into work today. I'm all too happy to comply. So I'll just have a pile of stuff to deal with next week.

After paying this month's mortgage and light bill, my paycheck is just about gone, *poof*. Next week I intend to take a day off since Pogo is going back in the hospital and have asked for my assistance on pre-op day. Then I might take the entire week off the following week for Pogo's surgery. This is a job with no benefits, so we're talking no pay. Might be slim pickin' on the next paycheck. And if my employer is really pissed off at me by then, it may be my last paycheck. Then I would once again be liberated (i.e. unemployed). As I said, I'm just friggin' tired.

luv my car

Yup, I love my car. But I was willing to lose it, if it came down to that because we couldn't make the payments. I'm glad it didn't come to that. My brother has a competitor's model and his car has more bells and whistles, but I do believe I have a better engine. I took my car for an oil change this morning; I wanted to have a tire rotation too but the tire shop was packed and they said the wait would be about an hour and a half. I'll just try again another time or another day.

Anyhow, with the short wheelbase, smooth engine, and driver positioning for good view out the large windows, it's fun to drive. It being a little higher off the ground and having larger tires help me navigate flood conditions common around here. (Those larger tires sure can hurt the pocketbook, though.) Its short wheelbase makes for cramped quarters and it's not a very good passenger car, but I seldom have passengers. A short wheelbase also means that I won't be towing anything, but that's okay. They don't make the model in this body style anymore; this same model keeps getting a little bigger each time they modify it. I like newer cars for their increased performance and efficiency, but I sure do love my car!

We usually trade in our cars when it gets too expensive to repair (i.e. they don't make the model any more and it's hard to get parts). I don't know what the future of my ride is, but it'd be cool if I can drop in a newer model engine and maybe tranny too when this one gives out, and just keep the body style.

By the way, isn't it absolutely amazing how long your car lights last?

seeds

Seen last week but didn't have time to blog...
Over at the Holy Vocations blog, Estevan had been getting some advice to try the world before entering the seminary. Thankfully, wise priests have given him the advice that you don't take a good seed and put in it bad soil to see how it grows. Rather, you take that good seed and put in fertile soil. Hence for priests, the seminary is the best place to discern their vocation.

Likewise ladies, don't be afraid to enter the convent. You won't be snatched up and locked away for life. Both you and they will be discerning; you won't (and can't) go at it alone.

If there is anything that gives me pause, it is the thought that I might "waste" the community's resources. By "waste" I mean they pour themselves into me only to find out years later that it's not a good fit. I hope to mitigate that risk by being very discerning in the first place, deciding where to enter, and by likewise pouring myself into them when I do enter. I hope their lives will be a little richer for just having me around. Not bragging ... just a human thing. There are folks who have made my life richer just because I knew them, however briefly. (I thank you, God, for the beautiful people you have made.) In the words of someone else, we leave our footsteps in each others hearts. Then in the end whether I leave or take final vows would be a decision that I and the community make together as we discern where it is that God wants me.

short PSA

When you telephone someone and you hear the ringing, it is not their phone ringing that you hear. When you make a call, a signal is sent to the destination phone to make it ring. A separate ringing tone is sent to you to let you know that your call is in progress. Hence you don't actually hear the other phone ring (at least not through your phone).

bumper thing

standard Texas plate:

While stopped at a traffic light on leaving mass, my eyes were caught by the rear of the dark blue car in front of me. My mind was elsewhere, but I was somewhere eyeing the bright colors on this bumper. Our license plates have a tiny state of Texas separating the license numbers. On this one, the tiny state is rainbow-colored. On the bumper, starting from the left and running about 3/4 across is a very narrow sticker strip, also rainbow colored and each color clearly demarcated from the next (instead of blending into the next color). It caught my eye because it started out straight but then took a dip and then came back up across. Then on the lower left of the bumper is a small rectangle, again rainbow colors, each color bar stacked on top of the next.

Having had a few science classes, I'm used to seeing rainbow colors expressed horizontally. The rectangular vertical stack kinda caused a brain re-wiring somewhere.

My first thought was "hmm...they've got a license plate expressing their Mexican heritage." We have a strong Mexican subculture here. But then wait a minute, those are not Mexico colors. It was only then that I realized they were rainbow colors, as were the rectangle and strip. Now it got my full attention. My thought turned to Natty and I grinned, being very pleased with myself for knowing what that rainbow thing is. I thought that the license plate was fun looking, the rectangle was tasteful, and the strip suggests someone who isn't particularly uptight (they didn't care that it wasn't centered or that it wasn't straight). As with all people-watching, I wondered who the two ladies in the car were and what those bumper stickers meant to them.

The use of symbols - still a hallmark of being "human." Are there people who do not know that the cross sometimes means something other than the math operator symbol for addition? Are there many like myself who are largely unaware that the rainbow in this case meant something besides the light wavelength spectrum?

in sync

Friday morn my Dominican liason sent me "A BIG HELLO" e-mail (her title exactly). I didn't see it until I got home later that night. But what was cool was that as I was leaving work I decided to call her though I was completely unaware of this e-mail. She wasn't in; she was giving a presentation for some big meeting this weekend, so I didn't get to talk to her. Anyhow, it just kinda says that we're in sync, we both felt that it was time for a "hello."

"Dominican liason" sounds a bit bureaucratic but that's where we are at the moment. I am very fond of her and she assures me that the community is very fond of me. She is one of my favorite Dominicans, and if you meet her, I'm sure she would be one of your favorites as well. Anyhow, at this time my relationship with the Dominicans is facilitated through her. It's early yet in the relationship. Both sides have been very busy and we've barely seen each other. Hmm...but it seems that we're in sync.