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not today

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Made it to mass this morn. Afterwards I ran into Sr. M of the MSC's. She invited me to ministry. I declined, but left the door open and thanked her for the invite. I am in pain at the moment and don't feel like ministering, however small. I did go do my volunteering thing yesterday (instead of Tuesday), resuming the folding of origami flowers. But I am not ready to do stuff that requires "me." It's not easy for me to say "no" to the Dominicans, and I am still wrestling with it. I was torn as well when I said "no" to the CDP's, but this one seems more painful. Perhaps it's only because it's a fresh wound.

I'll see my spiritual director next Tuesday, though I probably need to talk to somebody NOW. But then, there's a good chance that all this will go away over the weekend. Then ironically, I'd sit there and when she says, "So, what's been going on?" I'd reply, "Nothing much." Not trying to be evasive, it's just that sometimes I'm closed off even to myself. But we'll see. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

6 comments:

Lisa said...

I can tell from your post that you are a thoughtful and caring person. That said, you need to feel less badly when you let communities know that you don't feel that they are still a possibility for you. Yes, on a personal level, people who've gotten to know may be disappointed at first, but people in vocation ministry especially understand that the nature of discernment is a mutual getting to know (to varying degrees) to determine where GOD's GRACE is calling an individual. Unless I have misread your posts, you only recently began your conversations with the OPs so don't feel badly saying "I don't feel the fit" but at the same time consider your pastor's wise suggestion to talk to the prioress about your concerns. Communication is healthy and can be a blessing, too.

seeking_something said...

Heh heh. The pain comes from rather selfish reasons. My heart wants to be with the people, but my head says not to compromise my beliefs. So I'm torn. Yes, I came home and fired off an e-mail to the Dominicans requesting a meeting (though not specifically with the prioress). My heart is already there. I want to see if they can convince my head. I am in turmoil because I'm trying to figure out "How can this be Catholic?"

Natty said...

The beautiful amazing wonderful thing I love about the Church and about being Catholic is that there is room for everyone. I truly believe that. God is always more. And if we truly profess that we believe in "one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church," then there has to be room for everyone. Somewhere or another. Period.

And discernment, if nothing else, is about growing and blowing our minds in amazing--and sometimes painful--ways. I can tell that you are disturbed by some of the more "progressive" or "liberal" ideologies out there (but still within the Church)--and among Dominicans there are many--but do stay open, follow your heart and keep asking questions. You will find the answers lead to more questions, and that is how you know you're on to something.

Have you heard this quote?: "When you've met one Dominican, that's just it: you've met ONE Dominican." There are radial "pushin' the envelope" types who can make even crazy-radical ME squirm a bit. But there is also a whole spectrum of ideologies within even a single community. But somehow they are still one community.

There's always something deeper to explore. Otherwise, wouldn't you get bored with it? I know I would! Don't run away just because it doesn't all fit neatly within your idea of what is "Catholic" and what isn't. I sincerely hope you follow your heart. God is bigger!

[Yes, Steph, God is bigger than the boogeyman...]

seeking_something said...

Thanks, Natty.

That's part of my struggle: is it still within the Church? While there is room for everyone, this is NOT room for every belief. Am I seeing liturgical variation, or liturgical abuse? That is: are the variations approved? Where does the magisterium fit into these frameworks? Did they get thrown out the window? Why are we not following the norm? etc. etc.

One of the presentations was so far out I had to watch the Sisters to see if they were serious. I felt as if it were a joke to see what our reactions would be to such radicalness; to smoke out whether we were aberrant Catholics looking for rebel party. I was stunned.

But the presentation was by one person. And she wasn't from this community here. So I'm holding out a little hope.

Natty said...

Curious, but you don't have to share if you don't want to: What was the presentation about?

seeking_something said...

I don't want to openly criticize them. And I want to give them a chance to straighten out my head. I'll e-mail you.