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I am dust

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Late Friday afternoon I flew into a rage and threw a temper tantrum and pretty much exhausted myself. No, it didn't feel good, but I was raging. Having resolved to go to Stations of the Cross that evening, I did so. I was still upset getting there. In fact I was still a little upset and fatigued Saturday. Anyhow, at Stations, I realized that I have no reason to complain. What makes me think I'm so important that I can't be insulted? What makes me think my cross is so unbearable? I made my apologies later that night and resolved once again to try to turn over a new leaf.

It turns out that my "deep hurt" happens to be others' disappointment in me. Even worse when I think their reason for the disappointment is unreasonable. In reality, their disappointment is their friggin' problem and I needn't make it mine. My responsibility stops at doing what's right the best I can. Gratitude is icing on the cake. Credit is icing on the cake. May I hope only in my Heavenly Father, and may I seek only to do what is right in His eyes. May I not forget that what I truly deserve is hell. (Of course, I still have the responsibility to uphold the dignity of my humanity.)

Saturday I went to a Dominican Lenten Day of Prayer, though I didn't stay the entire program (there is so much to do at home). I saw one of my favorite Dominicans and she was gracious to me, always moving towards me when I waved either "hello" or "good-bye," sat at the same table at lunch, and made every effort to introduce me to folks. The topic was cosmology as it relates to baptism. Having a science degree in my background, I failed to perceive the world in the touchy-feely sense of cosmology, and I don't think I quite made the connection between it and baptism. I'm not ready to go have a conversation with the flowers, and surely not ready to ask permission to speak to them. I kinda take seriously the fact that God gave man dominion over creation. But hey, it was wonderful visiting with the Dominicans and I certainly enjoyed the quiet time and food, and it's a different perspective on dust. It turns out that dust is made up of just about everything in existence: you, me, asteroids, volcanoes, butterfly wings, Japan ... you name it. I was still a little drained from my tantrum on Friday, so I wasn't able to give the Dominicans as much energy as I normally would. Perhaps next time.

1 comments:

T.O. said...

Remember to have patience with yourself.